Gazing into hope or staring down fear.

May 24 I had a CT scan to determine just how well the chemo treatments are working before I start the next round May 30. Have you ever had a CT scan? It's simple from the patient's perspective - lie down, get the I.V. , hold your breath then get up. The technology is amazing. It takes high def xray photos that can be viewed in millimeter vertical slices. May 29 we will meet with the oncologist to get the results that show if or how much the tumours are shrinking. I had the scan on Thursday at 7:30 AM. Left the house at 6:45, rode my bike along 10th ave with the commuters without feeling the challenge to pass anyone. (I'm changing). Then drank the required 800ml of water while I waited for the technician to warm-up the CT machine. This would be a good spot for a Lucille Ball comedy routine with some pyrotechniques don't you think? or is that something only I would think about.

Sitting there, I got talking with another cancer patient - this really happened. Cancer patient to cancer patient can be a refreshing conversation. It's like, "Cut the crap, we both know that life is short and could be shorter." Sure enough, this guy - about my age, never got his name - and I got right into it. His story is that he has been doing battle with adenocarcinoma lung cancer for 2 years. It started in one lung. He had surgery. Then spread to the other lung. He had surgery again then started chemo treatments. While on chemo the cancer spread to his kidney. The doctors were stumped and gave him the option to be part of a study that was working on rats. So he signed a stack of forms and got started as the big rat. What would you do? That was 18 months ago. He is back at work taking days off for treatments and tests. Living with a deadly disease.

Nurse Lucy had the machine all warmed up she called my name and when I came out he went in for his CT. I hope to cross paths with him again.

Since then, I have thought about his situation in relation to me here waiting for the results from my CT. My gut feel on this whole disease is that I am going to live for a few years yet, like 20 or more. I have a positive attitude. However, let's be honest, these results I'm waiting for, could show a different situation. Untill I have more information I could be just kidding myself with a positive gut feel attitude. Will I be gazing into hope or staring down fear? I think it will always be both. We are not alone. He is with us.