The Future Ain't What It Used To Be

When our kids were little, the future seemed to take care of it's self. Now it seems to be much to contend with. Back then, what was important was today, the tasks we were attending to during that moment. Diapers and other small emergencies. You can imagine, if you haven't already been there. Then the next day just seemed to show up. Much like the next week and the next year and then the next decade. What?! Try 2 decades. 

This photo of us and our long time neighbours of 19 years. These 2 families that have navigated their way to the future. Which is now. We parents have arrived at the future with our heads spinning us into mid life. The "kids" look hungrily to what lies ahead barely considering how they got to that place in the future. Same room, same time, same families, different perspective. My perspective of the future certainly has changed. It is no longer mine to own. Not that it ever was, but I did believe that I had a place in the future - don't you? Isn't it part of the package? I think not. It is not in our control. However, some things are - like if you don't want to get hit by a bus, stay on the bus. Walk by faith - except at the cross walk.  Avoid getting cancer - don't smoke, eat well and get regular exercise.  Huh ? That's what I did and I got cancer. It is still good advice but it can't deliver you into the future. What can deliver us into the future ? Each moment, however boring and destructive or exciting and productive, the moment will carry you to the next. Then to the end of the day, eventually (maybe) the next season. 

Good luck.

Pressure to be positive

February 26 came and went without much fan fare. We did spent the day at the clinic but not for the expected CT scan. It was a scheduled chest xray. Initially I was disappointed because the CT produces a much more detailed set of images which offers reasonably concise information about what is going on inside my body. Apparently, it is not good for the body to have CT's too close together. My next one will be in April. The oncologist was concerned with how I was doing.

 "You look great." she said. That was even after I dropped my drawers to show off my rash. I was wearing biking shorts because I knew it would be a pants off day. My skin rash is the worst that anyone at the clinic has seen. This makes me "special" is what I'm thinking as I'm standing without pants on as comments fly like, "Oh, that must be so uncomfortable." and, "Does it sting?"

No change in the chest xray since the previous one, looking healthy and being positive are sure signs to the oncologist that the present treatment is working. So it is, I'm positive, I'm doing well. 

      

I was out to visit a friend in Burnaby last week. While I was there I brought him up to speed on my health situation. It turns out that he has had more than one family member succumb to cancer. My friend tells me there is a syndrome named after his family because of a certain kind of disease that is unique to his relatives. He has been tested. He and his kids aren't at risk. He has seen uncles, aunts, grandparents, parents and siblings battle successfully and not, with this disease. He said to me, "It's all up here." as he pokes the side of his head with a strong index finger.

I got it. Mental sharpness. Positive thinking. Stay above the negative stuff. Visualize wellness.  I used to think that positive thinking would help my truck start in the morning but the jumper cables made my ears bleed.

Is the glass half full or half empty? Attitude is important. I couldn't agree more with my friend in Burnaby.  

The reality that there is pressure to always be positive came up in our lung cancer support group.  It's all up to us and our attitudes. It's a heavy burden to carry. We see it on many.

Jody & I agree that we are so thankful that we have a strong and gracious God that carries our burdens. The plan for our lives isn't all up to us. We can be ourselves, positive or otherwise and seek to serve & trust Him better. 

Blessed so we can be a blessing

These photos are me at work at West Coast Christian School when the school was at the church. During recess the last of 3 balls was stuck on the roof. So I climbed up to get them. Word got out in a matter of seconds and Mr. Halls the principal showed up with his camera.

Before cancer brought my life into a sharper and simpler focus, my time was spent dividing my attention into a few overlapping areas. Family man and all the responsibilities of being husband and dad. Meeks the Clown - no funny, no money. Children's minister at All Nations Christian Fellowship and some of you know me as the drama teacher from West Coast Christian School. 

 I have a story that has come out of being a school teacher. I am not a regular school teacher. I haven't been trained by a college but I am certified by the ACSI to teach drama. I am effective as a children's facilitator to learning. Kids loved my class, no desks, no books and just enough rules to keep anarchy at bay. Games and activities to bring the actor out of everyone.  It was a much needed break for some children who were struggling to wrap themselves around the lesson schedule for that day. I know because I've been there. I did 12 years of school and rarely was I totally present at school - there was always something more interesting to take care of or just think about rather than the lessons the teachers were handing out. I think still having a similar out look on life contributed to my success as a school teacher.

 It has been one year since I left the drama classes because I was sick. The kids were quiet as I tried to explain what was going on and that I won't be coming in to be their drama teacher. They all prayed for me that day and some continue to pray for me one year later. On their own their parents tell me. That alone humbles me but this story is about one young fellow who has really figured things out about love and generosity. He had a birthday party last month and invited all his friends. He asked them not to bring gifts but bring money for Mr.Meeking. They all did. Even some kids who didn't know me. I got envelopes that had names on them and some with explanations like "friend from karate class" or "new student at school". How does one deal with this ? Humbly, proudly and philosophically. Humbly, I accepted this package of gifts from these giants of character. Proudly, I am the memory of Mr. Meeking the drama teacher. Philosophically, I see we are blessed so we can be a blessing. 

Balance

Why is it not yet February 26 ? I am in a juxtaposition of therapies and side effects until then. Recently I have enjoyed the strength and energy to ride my bike around the city. What fun I have taking this therapy, even as I approach the top of head spin hill and doubt my motivation, it's enjoyable. The fun is what comes after having done it. The sense of well being after having had some exercise. I also get great benefit from the challenge that cycling puts on my heart and lungs. Exercise intensifies the process of healing by heating up the pot without blowing up the stove. It is the exercise colliding with side effects which is the juxtaposition. This brings the reminder to carefully encourage my healing with good balance rather than kick at it with wild spirited ambition. What happens is, when I ride my bike or take a good walk for 3 days in a row the skin rash acts up and my legs become more swollen and painful. Fun and well being meet painful skin rash. This is an experience that has become a frustrating process to wade through as I make my way to February 26. Balance is the key. How much and how far and when to quit exercise therapy.

Balance is the key to healing. The key to balance is to try to keep the bottom under the top. Unless of course you are upside down. Here is a photo of Meeks at the Filberg Festival, Vancouver Island 2005.

It's Tarceva until February 28

The CT from last week showed negative growth on the liver tumours. Negative growth is a term I just made up. But it sounds medical, something like a professional would say like non-small meaning big. Negative growth meaning shrinkage. This is good news meaning it is information that causes non-discouragement. I will continue for another month on the Tarceva. Next CT Scan will be Feb 26. We will continue to pray. Tuesday of that week Jody and I were at the clinic to get the results from Dr. Laskin. Before that, we had an earlier meeting with another Oncologist to consider what our options were to be if Tarceva wasn't working. Dr.Chi is the other oncologist who is running a stage 2 trial. He was interested in having me as a participant. A stage 2 trial is to establish a safe effective dosage of a certain cancer drug on humans not rats. I wanted to meet Sniffy the lab rat to assure him the trial was in good hands because I was going to take over from here. I'm sure he cared deeply. All kidding aside, after the meeting Jody and I were talking through the information about the new trial regime and the possible side effects of the new drug (which is referred to as a line of numbers- it doesn't have a name yet). I was scared but stoic. Jody looked worried but stayed positive. It was just 3 hours before we learned of the CT results but what a charged span of time. We were at a crossroad during that time. Possibly two routes laid out before us to choose from. Outwardly we smiled and were pleasant as we went shopping and had lunch. Inwardly was the rough bouncing ride of emotional reactions. Then a sense of wisdom, what's the big picture here? What can we draw from this? The lessons I'm learning in this health crisis are deepened by the severity of the experience that the ordeal brings. Jesus has me in school with this mid-life road trip. The avenue of the spirit is wide. If I listen to Jesus as I travel my steps are given direction and purpose. The road of the soul is long with many twists and turns. I make my decisions, to take the turn or keep going, run or rest. On the roads and avenues wherever this journey takes me, I am tracking out the time of my life. So far so lucky.

A note from Jody

This is an email Jody sent out today responding to a card we received for our 21st wedding anniversary. It says alot so I think you should read her mail too.

We had a good weekend, we spent two days at Harrison Hot Springs just past Abbotsford. They have really good off season pkgs. Friends of ours gave us a gift to use at the spa. I have never been to a spa!!
Michael enjoyed a massage and both days we had a "couples soak" That's a private spa room with a jacuzzi type tub with no jets, no chlorine just minerals and it's hot, hot, hot. They dim the lights, turn on the music and give you ice water. THEN....leave you alone for 20 minutes!!
It was soooo relaxing.
Today is back to the usual, grocery shopping etc. This week is full of clinic appts. Today Mike had a CT Scan and lab work. Tomorrow we'll find out the results, meet with his oncologist and meet another oncologist. The "next" level guy who runs chemotherapy trials. Depending on the CT results (what this oral chemo has been doing) aside from this CRAZY rash, he may have to decide from what other treatments are available.
Today I just wanted to hide.....I'm sure tomorrow will be worse. These are the challenges we face. We pray for great results but somehow try to prepare for the worst. It has almost been one year since this adventure began. It seems like a lifetime. For the most part, we are positive. Life goes on.
I know if anyone, you both can understand these emotions and struggles well.
Thanks for thinking of us. We'll connect once we have more info.
Have a great week.

P.S. I did receive Jody's permission to publish part her letter!

Anticipation

Here we are at day 21 of the Tarceva cycle. The rash is back on my legs as before but also there are dermatological cutaneous eruptions on my face. Pimples, big whiteheads like I had when I was eating fries and gravy every day from the high school cafeteria in 1977. I am quite sensitive to this and feel anxious about how I look to the world. Not as a 16 year old with a searing attitude eating fries and gravy but now in 2008 I need to put my best face forward and it's covered with whiskers and zits. I may need counseling to help me cope with acne in mid life. Who would I go to for that? Dr. Phil could have me on his show. If you have any advise short of wearing a paper bag over my head to hide my face, please pass it on.
Monday this coming week is the next CT scan. That's easily coped with because people will be looking at pictures of my insides not my pimply outsides. What will be seen in these high resolution x-rays is what causes anticipation. They will give us the opportunity to see any changes positive or negative that may have occurred over the past 6 weeks. The one thing in life that you can always count on is that things will change. I have my thoughts about how this is going to turn out but you never know. Is it good to know that you never know ? I don't know. We have to wait until Tuesday to get the results from Dr. Chi. Yes another Oncologist. Another trial drug comes with another trial Doctor. We meet on Tuesday for the first time and he will tell us what adventures may lay ahead after Tarceva.